Everything I See

Everything I see I want to become. A woman running solo across Iran, a man hiking the Great Himalaya Traverse, someone crossing America in a renovated RV, a war correspondent, a photographer. I want to travel the world with a rucksack or stay put and marry rich, or marry an old friend or stay single. And if not single, what type of man? I hear Celtic music and I want an Irishman or a Scot, but I love dark skin so then I want a black or brown man. I want a sailor but I want a hunter, a woodsman, or a builder. I want a tiny home, or a big renovated barn. Big...small...more...less...

The world is my oyster, what do I choose when the choices are infinite? How is a person supposed to choose a path in life when virtually every path is available and appealing? My problem is that I love everything, I’m interested in everything, and almost everything brings me joy. First world, white person problems, right? Yeah, I know.  I love the choices I have for work but I crave big blue sky and wilderness. Part of me wants to challenge myself with trekking the Great Himalayan Traverse. Part of me wants to trick out a 4-wheel drive van and travel around this country. I have been all over the world but haven’t been to more than a handful of US states. Part of me wants to settle in a small, quiet town, with a simple job that I can leave behind at the end of the day, and go to my cozy cottage with a dog and a garden. Part of me wants to keep climbing mountains and rocks, competing in triathlons, and doing rough water swims. Part of me wants to learn back country skinning and skiing and part of me just wants to sleep.

I’ve always been a striver; I’ve always had a goal. But in the past I’ve had a clear goal of the next big thing. Now I can’t seem to decide on a direction. So I bide my time. The one constant, probably since I could put a pen to paper, has been writing. And being a photographer started at about age 17. So that's 40 years with a camera and 50 years with a pen. You'd think I'd have more to show for it by now than one ribbon, one art fair and two published poems.  I do want to be a writer/photographer, that much I know. How I get there, where I do it and how that becomes my main source of income is the challenge.

I guess I’ll do as I have done in the past; let the universe decide. I’ll open my heart and mind to opportunities and see what comes my way. I will go with life’s flow, swimming down stream, letting life unfold. I’ll enjoy every step, every moment of indecision. I’ll revel in the myriad choices I have, the shiny toys glimmering in front of me. I’ll wait for the perfectly ripe fruit of opportunity and pluck it and go. I guess I’ll just see what happens.